Ramblings of a KJ

I've been thinking about the kind of person I want to be, as an adult.  The main thing I have to work on is self-discipline.  I admire that more than most other traits, but ironically, I'm probably lower in it than most other people my age.  I'm far too gluttonous when it comes to both food and men, and that has been the source of too many problems in my life so far. Seriously, what the fuck? Most other people seem to manage okay. I must be missing something.

Not sure I believe in a divine purpose....but if there were, I think it would be our mission to overcome our animal nature and appetites. I wonder if there's some kind of non-religious monastery I could join. That's what I need right now.

I suppose I should do what I can to reduce my appetites, in the first place. Maybe if I were less depressed. Or developed some more benign, temporary addiction while I weaned myself off the others.

Lately I've been sleeping too much, waking up drenched in a cold sweat after too many vivid dreams. At least when I'm asleep I can't fuck things up.

Also, I'm hoping to blog more, because most of these things I can't talk to people about. I like to keep my emotional crap away from my friends.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo is a grammatically correct sentence.

So, the Bradvaganza was good. He came to stay for almost a week, and all went well. :) Indoor picnics are still almost as fun as outdoor ones. It's mainly about the people, really.  Sometimes my inner introvert is surprised at how much I enjoy being in big groups of people. I think it's because it takes some of the focus off me--I can enjoy the witty banter and the warmth without having to be in the spotlight, myself. But I felt included.  Brad's parents are very kind to me, in particular.  Very friendly and down-to-earth, my dad agrees.

Brad was a good nurse to me when I was feeling nauseous, the other day. I try not to be a big baby about it, but it's frustrating, particularly lately, because it's been unusually bad, for no apparent reason.  Like, if it was stomach cramps or just pain, it would be one thing, but because there's the threat of throwing up, with the loss of control and embarrassment...that's the worst part. Maybe I should just keep some ipecac on hand for days when it won't stop. Like, if it were just motion sickness, that'd be one thing, because at least then I'd know the cause. My best guess now is that it's some hormonal, blood sugar, or (broad) food intolerance thing. I'm still not buying "IBS".

Reading Wasted, that book on anorexia/bulimia that I picked up at the store, has also really put me off vomiting. Well, not like I was ever really ON to it, but let's just say it made it that much more cringe-inducing.  The descriptions were pretty graphic, and eating disorders sound like the worst kind of hell. To have you whole day revolve around food (and where you're going to puke it)...would drive me insane. There are bigger issues out there.

I've actually been avoiding junk food more, lately (and God, I never want to see chocolate AGAIN, after the bowl incident).  I'm scared about going on a binge. I've never been crazy over-the-top, but I find that the more I have candy/sugar, the more I want, and it's almost impossible to stop. I become a machine.

My poor cousin. I drove down with my mother to visit him on Thursday (and pick up my grandma). He's been doing so well, be he contracted a bacterial infection (probably from being in the hospital last time for chemo), and missed a dose of his antibiotics, so he was ill the day we came down.  Apparently he's doing alright now, though.

SCHOOL'S STARTING SOON AAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I can't wait.  I just hope I can bring my A game this year.  I can't afford to go through a withdrawn period this year, at least, for long.  My social confidence comes and goes. I feel like in the past few years, I've wasted too many opportunities to make friends...by keeping to myself, or not pursuing budding friendships.  I don't know what the problem is.

Helped clean the basement today.  Lots of furniture being saved for when I might eventually get my own apartment.  Lots of books and old computer games I've been sorting through. 

Met my highschool friends Ros and Jana-Marie in Toronto for the day.  We went to the Mandarin buffet, which has decent enough vegetarian selections, actually, and then we went to the mall. It's weird hanging out with girls.  But I managed to pick up a really nifty hoodie (with faux-rabbit fur on the interior!) and a fuzzy white sweater thing, so...yay.

So, my sister's up in Waterloo. Her roommates aren't there yet, and I hope she isn't too lonely. :/ *virtual hugs* Well, at least she gets a chance to arrange her apartment the way she likes it.  And I'm coming to see her on Tuesday!

Badass martial arts champ. Aww, he's so cute.

SOMA chocolate is amazing. That is all. The distillery district is pretty cool, overall. It's nice to have enclosed, walkable areas. Yeah, it does remind one of Disneyland a bit, I suppose. But it's nice not to have cars whizzing by.

Got to see Ryan, and it's been ages. He's such a sweetie. It was his birthday but the fucker paid for the meal while I was in the bathroom. *shakes tiny fist* But I did get him some chocolate. He showed me his photos from Cuba and his new apartment. It is very spiff. I can't wait to live in an apartment in a big city. :)

Spent some rather fine days with Brad. Stardust was everything I was hoping it would be.  Damn, unicorns rock.  Witches are pretty nifty, too. See, I should totally be a movie reviewer, in the newspaper. Such insight! Such eloquence!

Wandered around Toronto for a few hours while Brad went to his Random House book thing.  Was surprised at how talkative Torontonians are, especially for a big city. Like, random strangers on park benches, or walking down the street, would make passing comments, or try to strike up conversations.  And not just the mentally ill folks or salespeople.  Maybe I'm just used to Oakville's snootiness.  But people sure as hell don't talk to me in Waterloo.

Am having my annual Maybe I Should Change My Major crisis.  Eh, I'll probably just stick out this next year and...then go to college, or something. Hell, I don't know. I need to find a job that I can feel good about.  I'm thinking trying to get in on some kind of social cause--admin or PR work would be tolerable if it was for an organization I believed in. I could go the animal rights direction. Vegetarianism is better for the environment, and people are starting to jump on that bandwagon.

Ugh. Feeling nauseous. Y'know, I'm sick of dealing with it. I could take Gravol everyday, though apparently it you take it long enough you can build up a tolerance to it, so what then?

In general, though, I'm in a good mood these days. Things are going well, and it's nice to get to see my friends and get out of the house. :)

This past week was one of the best ones I've had in a while.  Attended Brad's family picnic on the Sunday, at the Waterloo Conservation park. I felt as comfortable with his relatives as I do with my own, and they were welcoming.  The water balloon toss was fairly awesome. I can't catch to save my life, but I didn't get wet, whereas Brad definitely did. :) It's nice to just sit and chill outside, doing nothing.  Was decently lucky with the card and dice games. Won some paper and bracelets and vanilla-flavoured sneaker balls.  The prizes were all gendered, with "l" for ladies, "m" for men, and "u" for unisex. I tried not to take too many of the unisex ones 'cause I didn't want to look weird, and there were more "l" ones than "m" ones. Also, there was some awesome food.

And then, yesterday morning, Brad joined us for a workout with our trainer.  He did very well, especially for a newbie.  They say that exercising helps couples bond.  Working out with anyone, in general, increased my motivation.  Besides fatigue, boredom is the other main hazard, particular if you tend to do the same exercises over and over.

The Muse concert last night was awesome--can tell Brad really enjoyed himself. Visually speaking, it was stunning. Can tell they put some thought into the colors used, and the videos.  They had balloons with confetti, and the pieces got stuck in my shirt, to my sweaty skin. Man, I was drenched.  We were packed in there like sardines, and I was glad Brad was there to protect me from the overly enthusiastic jumpers and moshers. Sometimes I wish I were tall.

And today, went to Blockbuster to rent the Princess Bride (which was cute) and the used book store. Picked up a couple gender studies-related books.  I need to come to the point where I don't resent femaleness. Picked up one on genius and gender, which might be interesting.

The thing that bothers me most about patriarchy is when people claim it doesn't exist. In fact, I think men will always have more power and status, for various reasons (some biological). Sucks, but that's life. But don't deny that it's there, or claim that women are to blame, because they don't try or want more.

Whenever the wage-gap is talked about in the media, it seems, the reason given for the disparity is that men are more assertive, and more willing to haggle. "Those silly wimmins", they say. "We've kindly let them into our club, but they still haven't figured out the rules of the game. If only they tried a little harder to adopt our values and ambition."

So, rather than the usual handwringing about how women's attitudes are the problem, and how we need to raise girls' self esteem with "you can do it!" workshops, it's refreshing to see a study that actually gets at the root of the problem:

Their study, which was coauthored by Carnegie Mellon researcher Lei Lai, found that men and women get very different responses when they initiate negotiations. Although it may well be true that women often hurt themselves by not trying to negotiate, this study found that women's reluctance was based on an entirely reasonable and accurate view of how they were likely to be treated if they did. Both men and women were more likely to subtly penalize women who asked for more -- the perception was that women who asked for more were "less nice".

"What we found across all the studies is men were always less willing to work with a woman who had attempted to negotiate than with a woman who did not," Bowles said. "They always preferred to work with a woman who stayed mum. But it made no difference to the men whether a guy had chosen to negotiate or not."

Golly, really? I thought peoples' attitudes just came out of the air. It's astounding that people can react sensibly to the situation that they're in.  And here I thought all those women were just meek, nervous little flowers. Inconceivable! :P

Seems to me that a lot of mistreatment of women would be alleviated if women weren't under so much pressure to be nice to everyone. Certainly, I'm sure sexual harassment and even assault rates would be lower.

...That no matter what I do, I'll never be as awesome as this man.  An Indian take on Thriller.  They really splurged on those special effects, there.

Yesterday at work passed by uneventfully. Sketchy guy didn't show, or if he did, he didn't say anything. My friend Sam was hanging out there, just in case, and we hung out afterwards, so it was cool.  I have decided that DQ icecream has an unmistakable nailpolish-removery aftertaste. Guess I've been spoiled by The Cone Shoppe.

So, I either have another bladder infection, or my last one boomeranged back. Again.  The clinic doctor was all like "get thee to a urologist" which sounds less than fun. Am really not okay with doctors touching me. A lifetime supply of antibiotics may be the way to go.  He said I might just have an anatomical problem. Yeah, I could have told him that. Oh, to be male, and have a nice, long urethra.

He was probably the best doctor I've ever dealt with, actually. He didn't talk to me like I was a two year old who couldn't wipe my own ass. He didn't imply that the infection was my fault for not following directions. And he actually appeared to give a shit about my long-term health, rather than just giving me a prescription and sending me on my way.

Dame Shirley Bassey, of "Goldfinger" fame made a cover of "Get This Party Started" (Pink).  The original song is kinda annoying, but this version owns. That lady defines class.  70 years old, too, and she doesn't look a day over 30. Must be that vegetarian diet. :P

Another good visit up in Guelph. Kind of glad I missed out on the strip-club shenanigans...some things are more fun to hear about afterwards than experience directly. Will have to catch up on the gossip.

Also: must remember gyro place in the downtown. Best fries I've had in ages.

Played some decent abandonware/DOS games. Jazz Jackrabbit 2 was kinda cool. Might be worth downloading my own copy. I almost wish there were no enemies in the game...the best part is when you work up some speed. I mean, they could make it more score-based or puzzle-based, and just forget the combat element entirely.

Brad made some good din-dins, too. Will have to watch and learn from him.

Apparently some guy came looking for me last night, at work.  My boss said he was begging for my number, and was saying he'd been watching me "through the window" (whatever that means...the front window? I think I'd notice...) and that he came fairly often. Apparently he said he was watching me leave with my mom, the night before, so maybe he hangs our around the back parking lots. A group of teens normally does, near the back. Not sure if it's the same group, or what, because they're kinda far away and I don't want to get too close.

Anyway, my boss got into more detail, but I'm not sure if he misunderstood (it happens--his English is good, but not 100%) or was embellishing or whatever, so never mind.  So, yeah, I'm a little weirded out that the guy would try to track me down through my boss, rather than just talking to me.  Also, I'm annoyed that my boss told him to come at Friday around 8, because that's when I would be there. He knows I have a boyfriend--why didn't he tell him that?

Yep, definitely never noticed the guy, before.  The only regulars that I can think of that we have are older, and supposedly he looked to be in his twenties.  I can be oblivious to things, I guess.  I don't really make eye contact with strangers, and I don't think guys check me out that much, or if they do, I don't notice it.  Actually, my other beef about work right now is my one coworker who...kinda stares at me.  In a lingering, intense fashion. Well, he's European...maybe that's just his way. :P It's kinda weird, though, 'cause he's over-the-top about it. Maybe it's some kind of joke to which I haven't caught on. Or he'll just stand and watch me, like when I'm leaning over to pick up stuff, in the store room. I think he tries to flirt with me, but I really can't tell.  Anyway, if he was my age, I could joke it off or be sarcastic or whatever, but because he's, like, 50, it's kinda creepy. Whatever...I'm probably making too big a deal out of it. It just makes me kind of uncomfortable, and I don't know how to respond. I shouldn't have to bring it up to my boss or have a Serious Talk with the guy, but apparently ignoring him hasn't really worked. Maybe he'll get bored.

Yeah, maybe I should work on the eye contact thing. That probably comes across, at least to many North Americans, as unfriendly.